We are not alone

Death is a ridiculous thing if you ask me. It’s not just something that happens and that’s it. It’s there. You never forget. You can’t undo it, there aren’t 3 wishes. What’s done is done. And now you’re left to deal with it, forever.

I was blessed with the opportunity to start counseling last October. BEST CHOICE EVER. Who knew right? I was against it. I was embarrassed to admit that I couldn’t work through things on my own. I thought I wasn’t strong enough to do it. I was so wrong. So so so wrong. We are never alone. There isn’t anything we do without the help of our Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ.

Lets be honest here, I am not a fan of death. It’s by far the hardest card I’ve been dealt. I hate it. Even as a member of the church, I hate it. Some days are much easier than others, and other days the sadness and grief can hit me like a ton of bricks. Maybe it’s to remind me that I’m human and I have feelings. Maybe it’s my Dad in Heaven trying to remind me to miss him. Whatever it is, it’s hard. And it’s much harder with Satan right there telling you all the nasty lies you can imagine.

I learned in counseling that our brains are not fully developed until our late 20’s early 30’s. And that a traumatic situation ,of any kind, that occurs before the brain is fully developed will resurface as the brain develops and is finally capable of sorting out what happened. So basically what I heard was, “You’re going to be happy and then BAM sad for the next 10 years. But it’s not you’re fault, it’s your brains fault.” Real exciting and helpful right? No, it really was. It made sense as to why it comes in waves. Why I question things that I’ve never questioned before, and why I’ve never been able to talk about it before.

Most of us have favorite scriptures. Some about missionary work, or praising God. Mine? Mine all have a theme. 2 Nephi 2:24, Joshua 1:9, but the best one is in D&C.

Doctrine and Covenants 24:8 “Be patient in afflictions, for thou shalt have many, but endure them, for lo I am with thee, even unto the end of thy days.”

So what’s it saying? “Haylei! Be patient in your trials, cause you are going to have a LOT! Like a LOT a lot! But don’t worry, cause I am ALWAYS here.”

So this past week was hard. I had been thinking about my Dad all week. Every single day! And finally one night it just hit me. I cried. I cried as though I had just found out he died. I cried and didn’t stop. The first of my thoughts was “Why are you crying?” “Why are you still sad?” “You are weak.” Courtesy of Satan. He will do anything and everything in his power to make us feel small, unloved, alone, and ashamed. Even at things we have no control over. I listened to him and let him bring me down even further. I started to believe his words, I started to feel upset that I missed my Dad. I felt alone. I began doubting Heavenly Father and if He was really there. And that He obviously did NOT love me, cause if He did my Dad would still be here.

DON’T do that. DON’T let Satan win.

After my pity party and hours of crying and listening to Satan, I knelt in prayer. I prayed to Heavenly Father about every single thing I was feeling. How I was so sad and I didn’t know why. How I missed him more than I could really explain. How I felt it was so unfair that he is gone. How I am upset that it could be another 60 years before I see him again. Lets get this straight, I love prayer and I am so thankful for it. Personal prayer is sooo different from our church prayers. Every prayer makes a difference. And I am grateful for prayer because I can talk to the one person who understands everything I am feeling.

Our prayers may be awkward. Our attempts may be feeble. But since the power of prayer is in the One Who hears it and not in the one who says it, our prayers do make a difference.

I was sad the entire next day and couldn’t quite shake it. So I did the unthinkable. I did something I had never done before. I went to his grave.

Woah. The hardest thing I have ever done. But, the BEST thing I have ever done. I left with purple flowers, a journal, and letters I had saved from him sooo many years ago. I don’t know what it is, but every time I pull into that Cemetery my heart drops into my stomach. There are no ‘butterflies in my stomach” It’s more like “death eating moths.” That’s the best description I can give. And there I sat, crying like a baby. I wasn’t embarrassed. I wasn’t worried about others seeing me. I was free to cry as long and as loud as I wanted. AMAZING. I wrote out how I was feeling, and then I sobbed some more. I read his letters, and sobbed again. I was not alone. I felt the Saviors arms wrapped around me. Possibly even my Dads arms. I was not alone, I was not forgotten…I was absolutely loved and cared about.

My prayers were answered that day. Every single one of them! The questions I had were answered through the tender mercies of the Lord ( so basically a fantastic friend who had experienced the same thing!). I was not alone. I was not forgotten. I was loved and deeply cared for. The second verse of one of my favorite hymns kept coming to mind.

God be with you till we meet again,

When life’s perils thick confound you,

Put His arms unfailing round you,

God be with you till we meet again.

And I did. I felt my Saviors arms wrap around me and let me know that I was not alone. That He understood the pain and sadness I was feeling. And that to me was what I had been waiting for. It has been something I’ve longed for.

We are not alone. Not ever. Not even for a second. Through every trial, big or small. Through every victory, we are not alone. We have a Heavenly Father who is rooting for us! He wants us to return to live with Him. He loves us. He loves us SO much He sent His Only Begotten Son to die for us. And I am so grateful for that. I am so grateful to know that I have someone who understands me. Who loves me even when I feel silly or ridiculous.

Though it may seem that you are alone, angels attend you. Though you may feel that no one can understand the depth of your despair, our Savior, Jesus Christ, understands. He suffered more than we can possibly imagine, and He did it for us; He did it for you.