I have to be at the Mission office in like 32 hours or something ridiculous like that! WHAT! If time can go crazy fast like that while waiting to get out serve, then it better go faster once I’m actually out! Not that I don’t want to serve, cause I do! I’m maybe just like really nervous for the first week or two. Once I get over that I know I am going to be fine!
When I was in 6th grade my panic attacks were really terrible. My Mom and I didn’t quite understand that’s what they were, so we were just really confused as to why I was crying all the time. I would cry before school started, I would cry the whole day at school, and I would cry until Mom got home from work. After she got home I would be fine, and then when I had to go to bed I would lay awake in bed waiting for her to go to bed. After she went to bed, I would climb into her bed and hold onto her pajamas. I knew that if I could hold onto her, she was still alive.
I’d like to say that as time went on it got easier but it didn’t. I was like that for most of my 6th grade year! BUT I found a cheat to the system.
I would still cry before school, and I would still lay awake until she went to bed, but I told myself that I could only cry at school until lunch. Because after lunch there was only 3 hours left of school and then Mom would be there. And then I cheated again. I would only let myself cry until first recess, and after that I had to be good.
I still cried before school, I still cried in my morning classes, and I cried at night. But I found a way to work through it.
So here I am, 10 years later! And I am having to do the same thing again. I am so nervous about leaving. I am so sad to say goodbye to so many friends and family. And, I am so sad because of the loss of such an amazing man. I want to cry all the time and never stop. I want to throw in the towel and say it’s too hard, and that life isn’t fair. But then I think of 11 year old me. I had no idea why I was crying all the time, I didn’t fully understand why my Dad had to die. I didn’t get why I was the weirdo at home, and at school that cried all day. But I didn’t give up. Not once. Cause lets be honest here. My giving up would have resulted in the end of my life here on earth. I contemplated it more than I should probably admit.
When I went in for my interview, my Stake President said to me that Satan was going to be more active and real than before. He was right. He has been so real these last few weeks. He hasn’t tempted me to go against my testimony, but he sure does know what brings me down. I don’t want to miss this funeral. I don’t want to miss the exciting events of my nieces lives. I don’t want to leave, cause if I do people will forget about me. He knows that these are fears, and things that are important to me.
But then I think back to little me. Who didn’t understand anything of what was going on in my mind or in my heart, but stuck it out. And it wasn’t easy. I still have panic attacks! It’s not completely gone or worked through, but it’s like 76% better for sure! But I made it through that, I can make it through this!
I can do hard things. This is just another test. A HUGE test. A test that will count for like 80% of my grade! And if there is one thing I am absolutely sure of, is I don’t give up. Not ever. I may want to. I may cry more than needed. I may send some sad emails to some of you, but I don’t give up. I’m stronger than that.
Life is tough but so are you
I love everyone who reads this blog. I seriously do! And I want you to know that Heavenly Father loves you, and He is aware of you. I like the quote, “When you are going through something hard and wonder where God is, remember the teacher is always quiet during the test.”
Take pride in how far you have come and have faith in how far you can go
I was talking to an old YW’s leader the other day about how sad I was to be leaving. I told her “this is the 2nd hardest thing I’ve ever done!” Her response? “If you can make it through the hardest thing ever, then you can make it through this!” I loved that. If I can make it through these last 10 years, there is nothing I cant do!
On particularly rough days when I’m sure I can’t possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that’s pretty good.
We are all strong, a lot stronger than we think. Since I’ve started this blog I have come to realize that I really have done a lot of work. A lot of hard work. Who’da thunk it! That I would be here?! Leaving to serve a mission in less than 48 hours! Crazy.
This is why I want to share the gospel with others! I wasn’t active in church after my dad died. I actually wasn’t active for 3 and a half years! But once I did, I felt a peace that I never had before. I still feel it. I mentioned in another post that traumatic events resurface until your brain is able to fully make sense of what has happened. The gospel has been my foundation. I’ve been to more funerals than I have been to weddings. The gospel, the Lord is the one thing that is always constant and always there. I am so grateful.
So, don’t give up. Don’t throw in the towel. Don’t ever think that life is too much. I mean, I guess you can think it but don’t EVER act on it. You are absolutely loved and cared for. Heavenly Father knows you and is aware of everything. Every tear or happy dance. He knows. I am not perfect, “perfection in this life is of the devil.” So know that no one is perfect, and we are not expected to be perfect. Understand that we are here to gain experience. And sometimes it’s a REALLY CRAPPY experience. But you have to move forward with faith. You have to trust that it WILL get better. It has to get better. It does get better. I’ve lived it.
Just when all seems to be going right, challenges often come in multiple doses applied simultaneously. When those trials are not consequences of your disobedience, they are evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more. He therefore gives you experiences that stimulate growth, understand, and compassion which polish you for your everlasting benefit.
I have always been bitter about my trial in losing my Dad. Maybe bitter isn’t the right word. More so confused. Confused as to what I was to gain from this terrible experience, and that if anything I did gain, why it couldn’t have been in some other way. But now I understand. I wouldn’t be the compassionate person I am today. I wouldn’t be able to relate to any of the fantastic people I have in my life today, if I hadn’t lost my dad. I am grateful but at the same time I am not. If I had to choose one….well I think it goes without saying.
But I know and have come to recognize that everything I’ve gone through has been for a purpose. A purpose I didn’t get right away, like took 10 months! But that is where faith comes in. And I am still learning.
I love this gospel. I love the Lord. This church is the true church on the earth today, and I am so grateful I get to be a part of it!
The world according to me 