Ouch!

I’ve officially been home 12 days!!! That is absolutely crazy! Time flies! Insane!

I strongly dislike Satan. I think he is actually rather rude! I do not particularly care for his trickery and him making others feel like crap. Can I say crap? Is that offensive? Oh well, it’s the truth. We were talking on Sunday in SS and RS how GOOD Satan is at his job. He is our brother, he knows us better than we know ourselves. Is that not the most frustrating thing you’ve ever heard? Satan! The devil! The evil one! HE knows us better than we know ourselves! No one wonder why life is hard! It’s like playing a game of basketball against Michael Jordan and you’ve never played a day in your life! he knows all there is to know!

I was super sad to find out I was coming home early. It was bad enough with the way my trial mission and the Mississippi mission meshed I’d end up serving a month less anyways…and then BAM! They took away another transfer. I served 2 days short of my 16 month mark. It was disheartening, it was sad. I maybe silently sobbed a lot the first few days after hearing the news. I guess it was because I always told myself, and people told me “Don’t come home early.” I associated coming home early with being a failure, and that was probably the worst decision I’ve ever made.

Satan knows my strengths and weaknesses. He knows what makes me depressed and sad, and what makes me angry as well. He knows the self confidence that I lack and the pride that I have! So these last few weeks, and especially today, he is one happy…man? Spirit? I mean he doesn’t have a body… He is winning! I am sad y’all. So sad. Sad that I wasn’t able to finish my mission completely. I mean sure yeah, I got an honorable release and a certificate of completion, but I still know better. My heart still aches and wishes I could go back and be a missionary. I feel like there were so many people I didn’t get to meet and help. In some ways, I feel like I have failed. Maybe not Heavenly Father, but failed myself.

It was truly wonderful being on a mission and not being tempted by Satan. I mentioned this last blog post, sure he could tempt me to be lazy but he couldn’t  tempt me to doubt. He couldn’t convince me that what I was doing was wrong. It was wonderful, I lived almost temptation free for 16 months! I forgot how hard temptation is. I forgot that life is busy and there are adult decisions to be made. Not everything is going to be handed to me like on my mission. I forgot what adulting was like! And I think the hardest part, really truly is Satan. Satan doesn’t want us to accomplish ANYTHING. He does not want us to succeed. So it makes sense that he tempts and convinces us that we are not enough. That we cant have a normal job, we don’t have the skills! That we cant go to church by ourselves, because everyone is going to judge, etc. He is there, always. He is never going to leave.

“…the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.”

BUT the beautiful thing is that our Savior and our Father in Heaven are also with us, always. They too know us better than we know ourselves. They see the plan, the bigger eternal picture. They know us and love us. So why do we notice Satan so easily, and forget that they are there? Why is it more obvious to recognize the bad before we see the good?

“You are not alone on this journey. Your Heavenly Father knows you. Even when no one else hears you, He hears you…Seek Him earnestly, and you will find Him. I promise you, you are not alone.”

I was talking to a returned sister missionary about this heartache of coming home early. She said it may never go away, that I may always wonder the “what if’s” if I had stayed, or had been given the chance to stay. I’ll accept that for now. I know it is another trial I’ve been given. It’s hard. Today I let Satan win. Such is life.

I know that I was called to serve in my missions for a reason. I am so grateful for the wonderful people I did meet and the memories I was able to create. I miss them every single day, and my heart longs to go back. One day…. 🙂

Y’all. This gospel is amazing, and it has truly blessed my life. This is just a little rough patch. Keep me in your prayers! I love your faces!