Almost two years ago I received my mission call to serve a two transfer mission in the Arizona Scottsdale Mission. I was devastated and hurt, but eventually I moved on and accepted that this was where Heavenly Father needed me for the time being! I was set apart, and the next morning I was dropped off at the mission office. I served 3 months in the beautiful mountains, and then returned home for 11 short days to prepare myself for the Mississippi Jackson Mission I was called to. Those 11 days were truly the quickest 11 days of my life. I was exhausted physically and emotionally! I was then again set apart and caught a flight the next morning to the MTC in Provo.
I was set apart twice. Not a lot of missionaries have that opportunity. Being set apart for a mission, is a direct blessing from Heavenly Father. A worthy priesthood holder lays his hands on your head and sets you apart from the world, sets you to a higher standard. And in that blessing special promises, warnings and advice is given. My first setting apart we wrote down so I could look back and read it while I served in the mountains. The second one I didn’t write down, but it was different. My stake president said twice in the blessing, and then again after, the same phrase. “Take care of yourself spiritually, emotionally and physically.” I thought it was odd that he would repeat himself so much, and I didn’t understand it! I was healthy in all those things, well just about. I got a little sick while in my second transfer but those 11 days at home, I was fine! Why would he tell me to take care of myself and be so earnest about it? He shared how he felt so impressed to tell me this.
So I survived the MTC which anyone who has been there knows it is NOTHING like the actual mission field. Those 12 days were excruciatingly long and tiring. I arrived in Mississippi a few days before New Years and started my missionary work there. I served exactly 13 months in the MJM. Add that to my 3 month mission in Arizona and that totals to 16 months. A full time sister mission is 18. I was sent home early, due to health reasons. I was devastated and embarrassed and felt like they were wrong. That I shouldn’t have come home, that I should have just stayed those last 2 months because who knows who was out there I needed to meet!!
Now that I’ve been home 6 months and have been able to reflect and look back, I see now it was best that I came home.
My sickness was weird. It wasn’t debilitating. I wasn’t in excruciating pain. It wasn’t everyday. I remember it was January and we were headed out to an appointment and I was sick. I’ll spare you the nasty details, anyone who read my weekly emails probably received too much info on my sickness, but to explain, there was some “throwing down” if you know what I mean! 😉 But instantly I was sick and we had to return to the apartment. It was the same sickness I was experiencing in Arizona, but something felt different. I finally told my companion what was going on and instantly broke into tears. We called the mission nurse and headed to possibly the worst urgent care ever! She pretty much WEB-MD’d my symptoms and gave me a weeks worth of medicine and we left. SO for the 7 days I felt better. The weird and annoying thing about my sickness was it wasn’t an everyday thing in the first place. So the medicine might have helped, or for those 7 days I just might not have been sick. My mission continued on and occasionally after meal appointments or workouts or pday adventures, we’d have to quickly return home. The constant “throwing down” was draining my energy and made it harder and harder to go out and work. We’d spend an hour trying to find a place to tract, we’d get out and knock on a few doors and then we were back in the car breaking all speed limit rules to get home. It was awkward and so inconvenient!
The day before what would be my last 3 transfers, I was sick. It hurt and I was so sad. I asked for a blessing, and in that blessing I was told if I went to the doctor, they would find out the problem! I hated going to the doctors, it was such a waste of precious missionary time. But, I went and she listened. She didn’t google. She gave me medicine and it helped, but that was only the beginning. I had to do more awkward tests, and the day before I left this beloved area I had to get a scope down my throat. I was some sort of happy that night while saying goodbyes haha!
That next transfer required a trip back the GI’s office, and they figured out it was my gall bladder! Sweet relief right? Finally we knew what was going on. To wrap this story up, I was transferred again and the sickness was worse than ever.I’d wake up sick. All throughout studies I was sick. We would tract but would only last so long before we had to run back to the house or get a ride because we were so far. It drained me physically, but spiritually and emotionally as well. I tried to be positive and focus on why I was there and help those in my path, all the while feeling like I was dying inside.
My mission President told me 3 days before Christmas that I would be going home in 2 weeks. I came home and felt embarrassed. Nobody judged me and everyone completely understand and were supportive but I felt alone. I felt like I had failed the people I was called to serve over, and my Heavenly Father. I felt like I didn’t try hard enough. That I should have just sucked it up a little longer and not said anything!
But what I know now is that Heavenly Father knows everything. He really truly does. I was told my gallbladder was 0% functioning. It did NOTHING. It wasn’t breaking things down the way it should have been, which made eating anything terrible. It was so bad I’d have to think ahead about the next day. If I didn’t want to be sick the next day I couldn’t eat anything for dinner. Terrible haha!
I had my gallbladder removed and for the first 5 days I was wonderful, besides the pain of surgery. But it didn’t help. It didn’t fix anything. Quite honestly it made it worse. My plan was to have my gallbladder removed on my mission, and now if I had done that, I would have spent the remainder of my mission in pain feeling even worse and more embarrassed.
I cried for a while coming home, and not knowing my purpose. It’s one thing knowing you’re going home at the end of the transfer, but to just so suddenly be told you’re going home… It does something to your soul. It’s hard. But I am here to testify, that Heavenly Father has accepted my mission. He accepted my efforts, even if it wasn’t a full days work. He accepted all that I had to give and knows that I wanted to give more. And that is the most peaceful feeling. A feeling I longed for, for months after coming home.
I took care of myself the best I knew how, and sometimes our gallbladders just dont like us and that is okay. But I am so grateful for the setting apart blessing I received before I left for Mississippi. If he hadn’t said to take care of my health so many times, I probably would have ignored it! I probably would have never gone to the doctor to get myself better. Because lets be honest we all know, if one of those things are off, everything is! We have to take care of ourselves physically, emotionally and spiritually. Because of that blessing, I was able to focus on my spiritual and emotional health as well. By doing so, I was able to recognize the promptings of the spirit to get another blessing, and able to stop the tears and push through everyday.
I am so grateful for the opportunity I had to serve a mission. Even if it was 16 months, it was the greatest 16 months of my entire life. Rotten gallbladder and all. Heavenly Father knows us and does look out for us. I don’t see this as a way of him punishing me by any means. I see this as a trial in life, a trial He did not leave me in. I testify that if you serve 2 months or 18 or 24, He is proud. He is loving, and He is grateful that you sacrificed to take care of His other children. Do your best and finish strong, even if that includes some awkward “throw downs” throughout the day! 😉
My niece told me tonight that I care too much about what people think about me. Which can be good and bad. I think that’s why I also struggled coming home so much at first. People who didn’t get my emails, or didn’t read them didn’t know that I had been sick. If you saw me, you never would have known. It’s not something I shared with everyone because again, it was SO awkward! haha. I realize now it doesn’t matter. If you knew I was sick or didn’t. We shouldn’t try to keep up with the world and try to please everyone. We all have struggles, some more obvious than others. I’m just grateful that Heavenly Father blessed me with the ability to serve for as long as He did. I’m grateful for the compassionate companions who found things to do while I was sick and were patient with me. And I am so incredibly grateful for the friends who welcomed me home with open arms and big hearts! Don’t worry about fitting in, don’t worry about standing out. Embrace yourself and your awkwardness and trust in Heavenly Father!
The world according to me 