I mourn with you because I’m mourning too

When I see a friend or family member go through the loss of someone they cared deeply for, my heart aches for them and I want nothing more than to hug their faces. A feeling runs through my body that I cant quite explain. In my mind I think of all the different ways I can send a text/card/fb message of love and support, but when my fingers get to it-nothing comes out but a simple, “I’m sorry for your loss.” The phrase I swore I would never use, because it was pointless. It wasn’t your fault, so why are you sorry? Sorry doesn’t bring them back. But it’s all I can ever think of.

2 weeks ago I flew to Mississippi. It had been planned for a few months, and I was so excited to soak in the humidity and visit all the wonderful friends I had made while I was there. I looked forward to the popular snow cone stand, the yummy fries from my favorite burger joint and hitting Taco Bell up at midnight per tradition. A few weeks before I flew out, a friend of mine from there lost her Mom. It was sudden, but even if it wasn’t, death is still painful no matter the circumstance. I sent the best fb message and text I could come up with, “I’m sorry for your loss.” I typed out several different messages but they were all too long, too wordy,  and not good enough so I settled. The moment I stepped foot off the plane I turned to my friend and said, I needed to visit sister so and so.  I didn’t know what to say to her face when I saw her. I just knew that if it had been me, and once upon a time it was me, I would want someone who understood to be there.

People who are a part of this “dead loved one club” we have this secret, unspoken bond. Y’all see it in those superhero movies, when they all get together it creates this weird force? They suddenly get stronger when they’re around one another? That’s the same for this club. It’s weird. Maybe it’s one of the blessings from going through it, you get this weird superhero mojo. Idk. When I saw my friend I was teaching the lesson, and she was the first to comment. My lesson went perfectly along with overcoming trials with faith, and she briefly shared her story with the class. My heart broke for her loss, and I wanted nothing more than to hug her. Unfortunately, no matter the strength of the hug, I couldn’t give her what she wanted. I invited myself over later that evening and did some simple service for her while we chatted. Our loss’s were brought up again. She grieved, and I wanted to badly to tell her how I hurt for her. I couldn’t. As I mourned with her, I mourned for my loss’s. We sat with tears in our eyes as we shared our similar stories. I wasn’t there to comfort her, I was there so she could comfort me. Together we mourned our individual loss’s, and then each others. She understood. She said, “I’m sorry for your loss.” And I wasn’t upset. I wasn’t offended that it was the only thing she could come up with. I felt comforted because I know behind the, “I’m sorry’s” really are our own stories and experiences trying to break out and help. We don’t say “I’m sorry” because we don’t care and it’s a thing to say. We say it because we can relate. We say it because it is a life long unwanted club. It’s said because there really isn’t anything better to say.

Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted

Our Savior mourned with those around Him. He was perfect and had a perfect knowledge, but He also understood that we do not have a perfect knowledge. He didn’t laugh or walk away yelling back to, “get over it!” He mourned, He consoled, He even wept at times.  “He shall go forth suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind, and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith He will take upon Him the pains and sicknesses of His people…that His bowels may be filled with mercy…that He may know…how to succor His people according to their infirmities.”

Our Father in Heaven is a merciful, loving, kind Father. At times it may seem He has it out for us, and that if He really loved us crappy things wouldn’t happen. It is by His Grace that trials happen. How else could we learn and grow? How else could we love and comfort the mourning friend, if our life was always roses? It is all part of the plan.

I didn’t have someone there for me when my Dad died. I had people who loved me, but none of them could relate. It has been a long, and lonely road. However, the loss’s I’ve experienced since, Heavenly Father has blessed me with friends and family that could relate. It’s still sad and the grief shows up unexpectedly, but it’s not so lonely. Because I was so alone for so long, I now see the importance of sharing our stories and saying “I’m sorry for your loss.” It really does make a difference.  Those words are like the unwanted invitation to the club, but a club you’re never alone in. It’s not easy, desirable or wanted. It is still a sad, and heart breaking path to have to walk but there are familiar faces along it. I’m grateful God gives us trials, it is times like these where I truly feel that my pain and suffering were kind of “worth it”. It has allowed me to relate to others so much more deeply, and love them so much more. Funny how the feeling of the gaping hole in my heart that can never be repaired, in moments of mourning with others feels whole.