There’s a subtle difference in the pain from year 1 to year 13 when it comes to losing someone. I’m on year 13 and holidays are still rough, as are any type of celebrations. But, it’s not as hard as the first year. I haven’t experienced a year of firsts in a long, long time! I almost forgot how bad it hurts and how painful that sting is. I’m 10 months into this first year without my Grampa, and I can honestly say it’s been one of the most painful years of my life. A lot of it has to do with the man I lost and how much I loved him, but another huge part is the fact that I’ve already lost someone before. The hole was big to begin with, and grampas death made it even more irreparable.
Christmas is a season of joy, bright lights, Michael Bubles beautiful voice, and the smell of cinnamon. It’s one of my favorites, but this year I’m dreading it. Grampa was the chef and the camera man on Christmas morning. We’d come over early in the morning and he’d be in the kitchen in the same button up plaid shirt, with a hand towel draped across his shoulder. The bacon and sausage would sizzle as he’d prepare the best biscuits and gravy ever to come to earth. He’d smile and greet all of us and then ask how we’d like our eggs. A house full of at least 15 people and we all liked our eggs a different way! But he didn’t care, he loved to cook for us, and he’d make us what we wanted. Thats not going to happen this year. It won’t happen again.
At least on year 13 you’ve got the routine down. You know better than to expect to see that loved one show up at a family function, you’re used to it. You no longer see people at the store that look like your loved one, and feel the urge to chase after them. You know better. You learned. You suffered through that stage already. The first year is painful, on so many levels. You still have a bit of hope that they’ll come around. That you’ve just been experiencing a really terrible nightmare. At least that’s how I feel.
Gramps was sick last year, so there was no biscuits and gravy, but he was there. I’ll miss that the most. I’d sacrifice never having his biscuits and gravy ever again, just to have him one more Christmas.
This Christmas will be the first of many Christmases to come that I won’t see his smiling face. I know that specific part will get easier, but the first is the worst. In a way I guess you could say I wish time went quicker so I could hurry past this pain filled year.
I don’t have an amazing point to this blogpost. I guess I just wanted to share that there are people experiencing “firsts” this Christmas, and they need extra non pity filled love. I already know I’m going to be a wreck, but that’s the theme of my life this year 🤷🏼♀️.
So for my friends or anyone who is struggling with the firsts, it does get easier. I’m amazed im saying that, as I’ve never been a believer of that phrase. How could losing someone you love ever “get better”? But it does. It’s still sad because you know in the back of your mind there should be one more chair filled, one more gift under the tree, and one more “I love you” said, but it gets better. Like I said, you stop tormenting yourself with wondering when they’ll show up. That’s how it’s been everytime I’ve gone back to Grampas house, I keep waiting for him to come home from work or back inside from working out in the yard. He hasn’t showed up yet.
The Lord loves us though, and knows our burdens. He is fully aware of the pain we feel, whether it’s the 13th year, or the first. That love never fades or leaves us. Because of that knowledge, I know I’ll get through this. It just sucks until then.
Love your faces.
The world according to me 