“I want to break free” -Depression

⚠️ I’ve been really hurting a lot these last 6 months. I feel like I’ve lost a part of who I am and I no longer enjoy the things I used to. I’ve become devastatingly mellow, in my opinion anyway. You know that feeling? It’s kind of like when you start to catch a cold. Something just feels off and out of the ordinary. It’s just been one thing after the other of things I’ve noticed changed in me. I’m generally a happy person and being around other people and vacations truly excite me!! But I’m hurting, and those “norms” haven’t been happening for a while now.

It’s devastating when you see yourself so vulnerable and alone. I mustered up the courage to reach out to someone for guidance and it backfired on me. I was told to suck it up and try harder.

I must have the word FAKER tattooed somewhere on my face because I’m constantly told that what I’m feeling isn’t what I’m actually feeling. That I’m overreacting or faking it for attention. I know how to get attention, and faking pain in all of its varieties….that’s not the way.

And then you have those who just choose to ignore what they see. They assume that I prefer to be in my room by myself. As someone who is extremely extroverted and is recharged by being around people, I can tell you that hiding in my room is not my choice.

Depression is NOT a choice.

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Depression is NOT the result of one bad day.

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Depression is NOT a form of laziness.

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Depression IS a mental illness.

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Depression IS different for everyone

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Depression IS real and cannot be fixed with “changing your outlook.”

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Depression is one of my deepest, toughest, saddest and hardest trials.

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To some who read this, you may think I’m blowing things out of proportion or overreacting. You may be shaking your head right now.

Depression isn’t like a symptom of the flu. You don’t have to check all the boxes to find you suffer with depression. Because we humans are so different in our likes, interests, talents, struggles, trials and experiences….our depression is unique to those very things. What triggers depression truly is different for all. That may be mind blowing to those of you scoffing at my words. But it is true. Think of what makes you angry! My mom HATES a dirty home. Nothing makes her more hulk like than coming home to a dirty home. In my case, anger hits me when people tell me they’ll “squeeze me in” just thinking of that phrase makes me want to punch someone. Do you understand a little more though? Triggers for anger, happiness, and depression come in all varieties. So why do people think they can just say “suck it up and try harder” to people with depression?

As I spoke with a dear friend of mine tonight and I expressed to her the feelings I’ve been having, she asked me something that I had never directly thought of. I feel frustrated and hurt when I reach out for help and I’m rejected, or insensitive comments are made. She asked me, “Haylei, what do you want that person to say to you?”

As humans we crave being needed, heard, wanted and loved.

The answer to what she asked me, is different for all. I cannot speak for you, just as you cannot speak for me. It is a personal thing…as a lot of it stems from the triggers we experience. I won’t share my answer. Partially because I want it to be genuine and real if it ever happens in the moment I need it. And also because I’m awkward and I’m not that much of an open book!

Even if you do not struggle with depression, think of your all time low. Think of the moment when you felt like you couldn’t go on. What would you want said to you?

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE think before you speak when it comes to mental illnesses…physical illnesses…

If you don’t know much about depression, please educate yourself. And please keep unkind comments about what you think people with depression should do to yourself!

A person with an experience is not at the mercy of a person with an opinion

One more time for the people in the back, A person with an experience is not at the mercy of a person with an opinion

Meaning this experience that I’m having is real. I can feel it. I can see it. I feel the difference mentally, emotionally and sometimes even physically. That experience is real. Your opinion of my experience doesn’t make it any less real. It’s like when you feel the spirit or Gods hand in your life. It’s an experience and your opinion of my experience does not change what I saw, felt or heard. So why are people so quick to share their opinions when they have never experienced it.

I’m staying with that dear sweet friend this week, and tonight as she got up to go to bed she said to me the phrase I’ve been waiting to hear. It was casual yet genuine. It was quick and painless. It was said so fast that my heart skipped a beat.

It is moments like that when I feel like not all hope is lost. That life can go on, and it can go on happily and joyfully. It is moments like that when I am truly grateful for the low moments that make those sweet moments so SO great.

To those struggling with depression you are not alone. You are not worth less than the person you work with, or the sibling you constantly compare yourself to. You are not worthless either. You are not broken, you may be bent but you are not broken. Learning that difference was the start to my healing. I have a long way to go! You can do hard things! Please reach out. Get help! Life is not meant for us to be miserable.