It’s the most wonderful time of the year!
It’s a season of joy and laughter. A time for friends and family to gather together. A season of gratitude and service. Of baking and getting (ph)fat! And yet here I am, miserable and alone. While people are laughing and sharing gifts, I’m slowly dying on the inside.
I’ve had my share of trials and heartaches. Some are harder than others. And I feel like I’m finally in a place where those trials that once paralyzed me, no longer do! It was hard work. Good work! And yet here I am, lonelier than ever before. Why!?
I don’t have the answers. I’m sincerely asking.
Why do I leave a party with friends feeling sad and depressed? Why do I dread any type of get together? Why do I decline any type of love people offer me? I don’t want to be miserable. I don’t like feeling this way. But I can’t shake it.
I’ve had some really uplifting experiences these last few months, especially since my last blog post. I felt like I was maybe making progress!! I was so happy to say that I felt lighter and less anxious. And then I turned a corner and I was knocked right back down on my butt. Was I just being overly hopeful and the progress was all in my head? Was I faking it to myself? I know that when you’re desperate you do some crazy things…but I didn’t think I had reached that level yet.
I’m not numb to happy feelings anymore, not like I was this summer. Being back at work has helped me feel joy and excitement again. But there’s a catch…those feelings only last while I’m at work. I’m slow moving in the mornings and afternoons to get to work because I’m unmotivated to do anything but stay in my room. Yet once I’m at work, I dread taking my kids to class because I know I have to go home after. Its a weird cycle. But I don’t know how to break it. My kids truly bring me joy, and for those 5 hours every school day I feel whole. I feel like me! But the other 19 hours…..I don’t know who I am.
I don’t share this for pity. I don’t share it for people to tell me they love me. I know I’m loved. I may not feel it, but I know it. I share this because maybe someone else gets it. Depression is so different for everyone. We all are so different and have gone through different trials in life. But when I say to others that I’m in a funk… I know it’s not just a down day like it is to some. My funks can last weeks, and those weeks quickly turn into months.
I guess I just want answers. How do I fix this? How do I truly feel? I constantly list things I’m grateful for but that doesn’t do the trick. The issue is much deeper, but I can’t find it on my own. How do I let go of the sad feelings? How do I let the sad memories come into my mind but not let them stay for too long? How do I overcome this trial? How do I find the motivation to do anything?
This is way out of my comfort zone to share but Im out of ideas! Plus I’m awkward and feel like I’m a burden if I were to go to a specific person so this helps that! 😅
I love y’all and hope you don’t judge me too hard for everything I’ve said. No one is perfect. Everyone struggles in different ways! Some just need more help than others….and that’s me right now! 🙈😭
The world according to me 
You don’t know me but you could be describing me at many points in my life. I can’t offer brilliant words of advice, just a little of my experience. My depression always made me feel like I was a weakling, pathetic, unworthy.
I found the gospel at age 18, thank God, and read Ether 12:27. “And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then I will make weak things become strong unto them.”
I wasn’t a weakling. I just have a weakness. I’ve spent a long time managing my depression. I’ve felt the Holy Ghost sometimes and other times can’t feel a thing but sadness. Through it all, I’ve remembered that I’m a work in progress. I’m a daughter of God. I’m becoming a wiser and stronger person every time I overcome a challenge. And so are you.
Talk therapy was helpful in showing me what my depression episodes looked like. What triggered them, lile huge social events, what symptoms appeared first (not wanting to shower, not wanting to do household chores). I use The Depression Workbook by Mary Copeland to help me strategize healthy behaviors when motivation is non-existent.
I, like you, feel much better when I’m busy interacting with people. I love to work and serve. That’s no accident. It’s very important to keep connecting and serving if you can.
If you can’t, call on one of your support people. They love you so much. You’re not a bother. You’re a delight.
I’ll be praying for you and all of us who live with depression, that His light will shine in the darkness.
D&C 121:7 “My son(daughter), peace be until thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment”
All my love, Michelle Wickham
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