Pissed and at peace

I feel like my heart has been pulled out of my body and passed around just for people to squeeze it or stomp on it. The worst part? They didn’t even return it. It’s still out there, slowly dying and fighting to survive.

I struggle to write this because I don’t own waterproof mascara and I know the tears will flow.

When something traumatic happens to me I cry, get sad, and when my eyes can’t produce anymore tears my body goes numb. My mind is racing with all the what if’s, but my body is numb. Yesterday I experienced this again. I sat and stared at my gray wall for what felt like an eternity.

Have you ever experienced this? It’s a pain like no other. A pain produced from betrayal, hate, lies, and misplaced anger. How do you overcome this? How do you move on? “When one doors closes another one opens….” blah blah blah. The door didn’t just close, it was slammed and bolted shut.

For those of you in my faith you’ll understand what I’m about to say. Those outside of my faith, do you ever have that voice in your head? A gut feeling? Something you can’t shake? A Jiminey Cricket? Earlier in the year I got a prompting that my word would be up against others, and my honesty would be denied. I couldn’t shake this feeling. Every time a situation at work would come up, it’d be in the back of my head. I am a lot of things, but I am not a liar. It was such an odd feeling.

The last month or so, the thought kept getting louder and louder, to where it was all I heard.

Last week I received some pretty devastating news. And for the last time I was told, “your honesty was denied. It’s time to move on.” I felt that in my heart I was being prepared for this moment for well over a few months, and it was finally compete.

So naturally I was sad, filled with pain and anguish. Today I am pissed. Beyond pissed actually. Full of anger and hate for those who wronged me.

I tend to keep my feelings to myself, so writing this is allowing me to process what has happened and release my anger. Bear with me if you’ve made it this far.

I’m so pissed, but strangely enough I feel peace. You’re probably saying that anger and peace cannot dwell together, and you’re probably right. But for me right now, I’m pissed and at peace.

Peace doesn’t necessarily mean being content and happy with the situation. Peace is trusting that things will work out. I don’t fully understand why this happened, but I feel peace in knowing it will all work out.

It comes in waves though. I’m suddenly pissed, then I sob, and then I’m at peace. I guess the proper term is grief, right? I’m grieving…..again! When will that ever end? 😩

I fully believe the Lord is aware of us and all that we do. I know He gives us people to help us through hard, painful, and sorrowful times. I’m pissed and at peace. I am not perfect. I have a lot of things to work through and improve. And I am deeply, truly grateful for the experiences I had this last year.

Tender mercy on Sunday. I left for church and felt something in my shoe. As I went to dump it out these 3 wood-chips fell into my hand. I played with my kiddos every morning in the wood-chips. Through my heart break I felt loved and that I would not be forgotten.