A cover is not the book

I’ve thought a lot about what I’ve wanted to say in my “year in review” post. Do I share the bad? Only the good? No one wants to read a blog full of complaints…just as much as they dont want to read a blog all about good, chipper moments. #annoying

The truth is, I still don’t know what to share. My blog in many ways is for me, not so much for others. Like I’ve previously shared, writing is a good way for me to vent and let things out. I hope in some ways my blog has helped others. One thing I know for sure though is writing my blog posts this year has made others reach out to me and help me! I don’t want to say its a cry for help, because it’s not….but more of like I just dont understand, can someone teach me, sort of thing.

2018 was incredibly difficult. As much as I’d like to erase it from my memory and pretend it never happened, I can’t. I put my whole heart into different experiences this year. I’m either 110% or 0%. There is no in between for me. So my joy was doubled as the good experiences happened. Naturally,however, my sorrow was also doubled when hard times came. I’m more broken than ever before. The most frustrating part is I thought I was past this part of my life. I spent 10 months working with a counselor to pick up all my broken pieces and put them back together. I then spent 16 months teaching others of Jesus Christ and His gospel, His love for them, and that no matter how alone we may feel we never are alone. And just like that, I fell apart again. This time new pieces shattered that hadn’t before. Pieces I didn’t know existed. I think that’s what makes this extra difficult, is I can’t recognize some of the pieces that have fallen off. If they had been the same pieces as before I would know where they go and how to restore them. I’m at a complete loss now. And it has been that way this entire year.

This time 4 years ago I was counseled to take care of myself physically, spiritually and emotionally. This was more in regards to my mission but it has been something that has crossed my mind often this year. As each new trial makes its way into my life I am reminded of that important piece of advice I was given. Our minds and bodies are amazing in the way that they cannot function without all parts working together. For example, I started off the year breaking my foot. Not only did that take a toll on me physically, but emotionally as well. I quickly became depressed, sad, bitter and full of anger. 4 months later my foot had healed almost entirely, I was on the up and up right? Right! Except I wasn’t where I needed to be emotionally. I attempted to work through those horrible feelings, but everyday I had to use crutches I thought of how unfair things can be. By the time I had healed physically, I was crushed emotionally. Being as low as I was emotionally then affected me spiritually. If I was experiencing feelings of anger, hatred, and bitterness how could I feel the spirit? How could I feel the Saviors love for me? How could I even feel the love of those around me? I fought hard this summer to regain the spirit that I felt I had lost. I was asked to go to Girls Camp and it took a toll on me, but I was determined to have a good experience for myself, and the young women around me. I didn’t realize until a few weeks later that the physical, emotional, and spiritual pain I had experienced had damaged me mentally. Now I don’t think there was damage that couldn’t be repaired…. I was spent. I was exhausted. I was no longer motivated to change, to smile, or to socialize. Sorry, I am exhausted, I am no longer motivated to change, smile or socialize.

I know how important it is to be healthy and well in all of those aspects. I know it is impossible to be perfect in any of them. Some change is better than no change though. After all, life was created for us to progress and reach our full potentials. We cannot achieve that if we continue to lock ourselves in our rooms and watch reruns of Greys Anatomy.

So where do we start? For those of you who may be able to identify with some things I have shared….where do we start? Which one do we start with? I mean, not having a broken bone is a pretty good start! So I guess physically I’m pretty good. But then where? My struggle is motivation. Goals are a great start too, but what is the right amount? When can we make sure we aren’t setting ourselves up for failure?

Our memories cannot be erased. The crappy experiences from this year will ride with me throughout the rest of my life. I cannot change what has happened. What can I change?

The start of a new year is a wonderfully terrifying feeling. Yes, we can restart whenever we want. It sort of has the feeling to it much like only starting a diet on a Monday though…can you start over in the middle of the year? What if its 7:30 on a Wednesday, can you restart then? We are creatures of habit and change can be terrifying. Even those people who say they LOVE change, they’re liars! haha. Some aspect of change scares everyone. It’s the unknown!

As I write this I am reminded of a talk I read on my mission. The Best Is Yet to Be is a talk focused on the story of Lot and his wife who are commanded to flee and “not look back.” In the scriptures we know that Lots wife turns back and is turned into a pillar of salt. The talk goes on fabulously to explain why her glance back ended her life. She did not just look back, she wanted to go back.

I do NOT want to go back to 2018. I know the Lord, your mom, your higher power, whoever you believe in has bigger plans for YOU. If they didn’t I don’t think there would be a point to welcoming in a new year. It would just be one continuous loop. There would be no start or end. And if there’s no end, when do you diet? hahaha. But in all seriousness, I believe the Lord lets us have memories so that we can learn from them. Do you ever wonder why some things stick out more than others in your memory?

I’m sure there is something to be learned from this year….and I really have learned a lot. In a lot of hard ways I’ve learned a lot. I’m grateful that the Lord allows us to start over as many times as we need. I dont mean that just when it comes to making wrong choices, but when we aren’t ourselves or when we are struggling. He helps us start over, and that definition depends on the person.

I wish it was cold enough here because I’d write a giant “F U 2018” on a piece of paper, shred it, and toss it into the fire! My New Years resolution is to not become Lots wife. Whats yours?