I’m putting myself out there with this and leaving myself completely vulnerable. I don’t like it and with every letter on the keyboard I hit I regret it. I feel as though maybe sharing will help me and hopefully someone else. Idk y’all.
I’ve reconnected with friends over the past few months, mostly over the phone because Florida is far away! As I talk with each friend they say, “You look like you’re having so much fun! I can’t even keep up with you!” I laugh but inside I am shaking my head thinking how wrong they really are.
There’s a fine line of speaking out and sharing your story and oversharing. I try hard not to overshare because that’s awkward haha. I’ve noticed in myself there’s a fire burning inside my soul encouraging me to speak out about mental health. I am by no means a professional or whatever. Most of my knowledge comes from experience and the occasional google-ing.
The last 9 months have been absolute crap. My heart, soul, and mind are just utterly exhausted. It should be easy to wake up and just go about your day, right? So why is it so difficult for me? Why do I lay there dreading getting up. I dread talking to people. I’m exhausted even after a good nights sleep. I’m uncomfortable at church and if I can even get myself to go I leave halfway through. I won’t let myself cry because I have a tendency to never stop crying. For a moment there’s a break in my thoughts and I think to reach out to someone, anyone….that they could help me and bring me back to reality and help me feel loved, needed and wanted….quickly the anxiety overwhelms my thoughts and I think why would they even want to? They’ve got enough going on. At the end of each night I lay in bed overthinking the entire day. Not so much the embarrassing things I did, because I’ve accepted that I’m just awkward. I overthink what my boss said to me. Did she mean what she said? I overthink the texts I had with a friend. Are they mad at me? Do they hate me? Do they not want to be my friend anymore? I overthink every conversation I have, whether thats with a coworker or the lady at the gas station. Was I rude when I didn’t smile to the man walking by? Was I short with my kiddos at school? Do they hate me and think I’m lame? Are people my friend because they feel they have to? Do they only talk to me because they feel sorry for me? Do people keep me around because I’m nice? Would anyone even notice if I disappeared?
The worst part? I know I’m doing it and I cant stop. Rereading this doesn’t sound too bad. Now add in the fact that every thought also comes with the if/then’s. I run with it and take it every direction it could possibly go. It’s never ending. At some point I fall asleep. As a child I used to wish I could turn my brain off. I thought I was just weird or hyper or just straight up annoying. Knowing what I know now, I’m easier on myself. It’s my brain. I cant help it. But it’s still so frustrating and so hard on my heart.
There was a point 3 weeks ago that I thought, this is it. It’s never going to get better. This is my life now. All mediocre at this point. I have no purpose. I no longer matter or make a difference in other people’s lives. I sat and sobbed for hours curled up in a ball. I couldn’t get the thoughts to stop. I couldn’t get the tears to stop streaming down my face. I felt my heart pound with every sob. I felt my mind race as I tried to get to a good thought but I couldn’t. It was like those games at Peter Piper where you hit the button to stop the light on the tickets. Except, no matter how hard I tried to hit the button the light wouldn’t stop going around and around.
You didn’t see that though. Like I said, there is a fine line of being open and advocating for mental health, and oversharing. It’s rough. But to everyone, it looked like I was having the time of my life! Doing my own daycare business over the summer, traveling and the Disneyland trip! What fun!! And there absolutely were moments of joy, happiness and fun!! But most of it was a front to show that “Im fine. Im good. Dont worry about me.It’s Gucci!” When my soul was saying, “Help me. I’m struggling. Everything is going wrong. Don’t give up on me!”
My sweet, kind and loving friend told me tonight that its time I work on myself again. She said it sternly which was a little frightening at first. So often I get wrapped up in helping others, and I am so happy to! It makes me feel like I have a purpose. But I think I’ve forgotten that my purpose is to help myself too.
My facebook posts aren’t lies. I recently had a joyous moment! I completely overthought every little thing the entire day leading up to it and then some! But I did it, and I felt a huge missing piece of my heart be pieced back together!! There are good times, but I hope you know, I had a hard time.
A friend and I have a code word for when we’re truly struggling. Sad moments come and so do difficult moments but we save the code for moments where we feel we can’t go on. I cannot even begin to explain how wonderful it has been for me to have that.
If you are struggling, lets make a code word together! I’m happy to get a list going.
2 weeks ago I was sitting in church through testimony meeting as many young adults got up and shared their recent experiences with Priesthood blessings. A rush came over my mind and into my heart and I text the first person I could think of. As I made my way over that night I was so nervous. I had been there dozens of times but this felt different. I’m sure Satan had something to do with it. He never wants us to become better or work on ourselves or reach out for help. As I sat in the chair, the priesthood leader asked me what I was struggling with. I awkwardly smiled, the room cleared out, and he sat next to me and asked me again.
As tears swelled within my eyes I told him how much I didn’t want to be here. Lovingly he asked if I meant in Surprise. As he realized the depth of what I was saying, tears filled his eyes. The blessing was perfect for what I am going through. But the part I found most interesting was that my mind was blessed to be open, to understand and to feel. Since that night, my thoughts have slowed down. I’ve been able to gain a little more control throughout the day and night of what thoughts enter in, and what’s allowed to stay. It’s not perfect, and I wasn’t healed from my affliction. However, my mind was blessed to be open to Gods love. To understand my purpose in this life. And to feel that I am needed, wanted and loved.
The world according to me 