Please don’t leave me

I repeat it over and over in my head, “please don’t leave me. Please don’t go.”

I have a fear that people will just leave me. Most of those who have left me have not been voluntary leaves…#deathsucks. But I have this fear that one day those that love me will just wake up and be like, “yeah that was a good run but I’m done now.” And just leave me high and dry. I probably shouldn’t rely so heavily on other people-but what is life without people you love?

I over apologize. Have you ever done that? I say sorry for EVERYTHING! Even things out of my control. You’re mad it’s raining? My bad. You can’t find your car keys? I’m sorry. It wasn’t me, but I’m sorry. I’m trying to teach myself to not say sorry, but when you’ve said it all your life it’s a hard habit to break.

I’ve recently started EMDR therapy. If you don’t know what that is look it up because I’m awful at explaining it 😂 It’s definitely an interesting kind of therapy, and I’m not 100% sold on it yet but the last 4 weeks have been quite the learning experience. This week we’ve picked a moment of my life to go back and “process” kind of. This particular moment is a time that makes me emotional still to this day. In fact, not many people know about it because I can’t say it without crying. Of course it’s in relation to my dads death, because duh. However, this moment is one where I felt like if I didn’t do this nightly “ritual”‘everyone would leave me. I am referring to death at that time, because no one had just willingly walked out of my life yet. Every night I would wait, do my thing, and say in my head over and over and OVER, “please don’t leave me. Please don’t go.”

My therapist informed me with this kind of therapy there could be some intense triggers, dreams etc. I wish I was the type of person who could get cool dreams but I’m not. Even my subconscious is overwhelmed.

Ya know when you’re being crazy? 😂 Like you’re being crazy, you know you are, and you can’t stop? That’s me. Like all the time I’m pretty sure. 😅 I had a moment like that this week. Now take that crazy and add depression to it. So not only am I acting crazy but my emotions are magnified by 400%. Now take that and sprinkle some anxiety on top. SO I’m crazy, and 400 times sadder and more upset than I should be and now I feel bad for feeling that way, so I keep apologizing for something that’s kind of out of my control.

It’s vicious and I hate it. Welcome to my life.

I’ve had a hard time lately with words from others. I used to rely so heavily on what others said to me and what they thought of me. Mostly in the best way though- I’d write it down so I could read it if I was having a rough time. It was the perfect pick me up. And now I can’t get it to mean squat to me. 😭 While I’m grateful for kind words, it’s like my mind and heart have put up a wall so that nothing can penetrate it, not even the good.

Maybe it’s because of what happened last year with the school. I was constantly being told all these wonderful and nice things and yet, the worst still happened. Maybe that’s what’s happening now. I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop because the last time it dropped it freakin fell out of the sky like an atomic bomb.

I guess what I’m trying to share is that anxiety sucks. Depression sucks. I’m learning and processing but there are things I’m going through that I don’t have the right tools for yet. So I apologize for that, but do I really even need to? No. I’m not mad at you for not knowing how to build a house. If you’ve never been taught then 🤷🏼‍♀️ So why do I feel the need to beat myself up over something I can’t control…over something I don’t know how to do?

Those of you that love me and get the brunt of this, I’m sorry. I really am sorry that this frustrates you. It frustrates me too. I can actually feel my heart ache when I’m having one of these moments. I wish I knew how to fix it and to just believe the words you say. But there is always a little part of me that thinks, “yeah but what if this happens.” or “what if you change your mind?”

So to you, you patient soul, please don’t leave me. Please don’t go. I don’t have a lot of confidence, not even on a good day, but I like to think I’m worth it 🤷🏼‍♀️