I’ve been super hesitant to think about 2019 and all that happened this year. A friend texted me and said, “I know 2019 has been raunchy to you…” and I dont think there is a more accurate word to describe this year. It has been a bowl full of awful sprinkled with very little joyous moments.
I’m not gonna waste our time and list everything terrible that happened, that wouldn’t uplift anyone for sure. But to those who also had a tough year….WE MADE IT! Maybe you’re like me and thinking. “but I didnt want to make it.” I feel that. More than you even know, I feel that. But we did it. We’re moving forward, and hopefully a little bit further along in our path than we were when the year started. Every forward movement is progress, no matter how big. I feel like I’ve gone maybe 2 steps forward this whole year…and that may not sound like a lot. And if you’re looking at it like a game board, you’re right. It’s barely anything. I dont think I’ve even reached the peppermint dude on candy land! But thats okay. I’m 2 steps further than I was 11 months ago. What you dont see is the excruciating pain, the hard work, and the tears it took me to get where I’m at. I know I’m not done and more hard times will come but for right now….I did it!
I want to quickly share just 9 lessons I learned in 2019… bear with me!
- The lamest one but I think one of the most important lessons I’ve learned this year is to take baby wipes to Disneyland!! If it weren’t for the drunk dad standing outside of the Guardians of the Galaxy ride I would have had to walk through the park with vomit on my face, shirt and hands! Haha. Seriously, save yourself the embarrassment and just buy the wipes.
- Mental Illness is not a personal failure. Read it again. You are not a failure because you’ve been handed a different set of trials….trials that cannot be seen by those around you. You are not a failure.
- People are worth fighting for. Life is so short. Make the phone call. Send the text. Drop off the flowers. Whatever it is, your people are worth it.
- Go after your dreams, even if it’s scary and seems impossible. Make it happen. Follow through with your ideas/plans. Don’t give up. The joy outweighs any and all of the stress.
- Do not be ashamed to ask for help. A difficult lesson to have learned, but there is nothing shameful about admitting you are struggling and need some assistance.
- Cut yourself some slack, you’re doing better than you think. We are our own worst enemy. Be patient. Be loving. Be kind.
- You cant pour from an empty cup, take care of yourself first.
- Get yourself to the temple. Whatever may be stopping you from going, get rid of it, fix it, talk to who you need to talk to…but get yourself to the temple!
- “Since the power of prayer is in the one who hears it, and not the one who says it, our prayers do make a difference.” No matter what, never stop praying!
We have this video game we love to play, and usually only comes out after Christmas when the three of us can get together. In this game you are sent on a quest and have to fight whatever is stopping you from moving on to the next level. When you are struck, your character blinks and the remote shakes notifying you that you’re about to die. You hit a button to regenerate and run off trying to hide from the characters sent to attack you. The regeneration doesn’t happen instantly, and the enemies are relentless in trying to kill you.
That was my year. 2018 ended on a horrific note, so that certainly did not help at all, but it’s like I was struck and couldn’t regenerate fast enough. I still feel as though I am running around blinking trying to hide from everyone and everything sent to bring me down and kill me. No matter how hard I hit the button or how many times I can’t seem to catch up. And with each blow I get closer and closer to having my light go completely out.
There are moments where I feel I cannot possibly go on. There are thoughts that enter my head that just tell me it’s not worth it to keep fighting. Just let go. There are weeks when my depression envelops every part of my body and I want nothing more than to just lay there, staring at my wall. There are hours where I cannot get the thoughts to stop racing. I overthink every conversation, every move I made and every comment made to me. And there are minutes when the tears wont stop. Where my heart physically aches and I can’t get it to stop hurting.
If there is anything I learned this year….it would be to never stop praying. To those who aren’t religious you’re probably rolling your eyes, or maybe your mouse is making its way up to the giant X in the corner! I would not be here today if it weren’t for prayer. I’m not saying all my problems were taken away, or every prayer was answered in the way I wanted, or even at all…..I wish! But prayer has been whats gotten me through the sorrow filled months. Even when I dont want to pray, because I’m angry and hurt, or I cant form the words because the tears and pain is so suffocating and paralyzing…It’s what has helped me to get the help I need. It has helped me to reach out. It has allowed me to see outside myself and help others. It’s been the best gift anyone could ever give.
2019 was garbage in a lot of ways. I looked back through my pictures and was tempted to delete every single one of them. It truly has been a difficult and painful year for me. But look, I’ve moved! I’m 2 steps further on my path, and for that I am proud!
Here’s to 2020. May we finally reach the peppermint dude! Some of you might even make it all the way to that lollipop chick! Congrats if you do! But I’ll be happy to even be able to pull a double yellow card or something! You’ve got this! Happy this year is over!
The world according to me 