Unanswered yet

Last night I had a major depressive episode. As I turned the volume up to max in my car, I sobbed and drove home. I had been up almost 36 hours at that point, though I believe that had nothing to do with it. It did give me even less control than I normally have though. The thoughts raced and I could not get them to stop.

Imagine the Mickey Mouse roller coaster at Disneyland. Ya know where they pull you out by the water and you wait till it’s your time to go? My thoughts were doing that. It would come out, halt and just stay there. I thought this is it! The thoughts have calmed down. False. I could faintly see the countdown in my head until blast off and boom. My thoughts were shot out and they would not slow down or stop. None of them made sense. Just like the ride, my thoughts followed a similar track. It’d go fast and high and then it would round a corner and slow down just enough to speed back up for the big upside down trick. In that moment no techniques I had learned, no past experiences could stop it. Fortunately it was not the worse one I’ve ever had, but it felt as though there was never going to be an end in sight.

I tried to get my brain to just slow down and focus on one of the thoughts but it was on a mission to finish this track on the coaster and nothing was going to get in the way. I sobbed silently into my hands. As crappy and awful as I felt my brain said, “You are pathetic. Why are you crying.” A sudden rush of embarrassment passed over me and dried up my tears. Just when you think you’re “safe” your brain throws it back at you with how pathetic you are.

Whats the point of racing? I’m not a runner so I cannot relate to wanting to go fast and race. So why the heck are my thoughts so keen on doing so? I laid in bed and pictured a track race and each thought running and pushing others out of the way. I wanted it to stop.

I said a half hearted prayer due to exhaustion from lack of sleep and the painful crying I just endured. And then I slept.

Today was very meh until this afternoon. As I sat across from my aunt she asked how I was doing and what I thought about this quarantine being extended another 2 weeks. Without hesitation I said, “I cant handle this. My depression cant handle this.”

Without skipping a beat, she answered my prayers. She acted as a mouthpiece for the Lord and said what I know He wanted to say to me. I laughed and she looked at me with the most serious loving eyes and said, “I am serious. I can’t live without you.”

I’ll be 26 in July and that was the first time I had ever heard those words. I cant live without you.

She knows nothing about what I experienced the night before. She has zero clue about the thoughts that race in my head. The obsessive, the dark and twisty, the ones that make zero sense. She has no idea. And yet, she said exactly what needed to be said. She said what I didn’t even know I needed to hear until I did.

That is prayer. That is proof there is a loving Father in Heaven. That shows what we as individuals can offer during this awful quarantine.

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Quarantine and social distancing is killing me from the inside out. Every day I feel less and less human, compassionate, loved, cared for, or like I have anything to offer. Do you know what I’d give to have a nice long hug? I’d pay big bucks for a good hug right about now haha!

This experience hasn’t cured me of my depression. That’s not why I am sharing. I am not magically fixed. I’m not saying believing in God fixes everything. I’m definitely not saying that I am “grateful for this experience because it’s made me stronger.” Heck to the no.

However, I am grateful for this experience because it taught me that I am loved, heard, and cared for. In the moments where depression isn’t racking my brain and soul with emotional torment, those words actually mean something. Sometimes you have to let your depression ride the wave and last night it wasn’t giving up. It was in it to win it. Yes I just changed metaphors on ya, but I also don’t understanding being in water and what the appeal is for that haha so technically they go together.

Life is tough. Quarantine is tougher. Reach out. Lift up. Facetime someone or send a text. Because of her words today I feel like I actually can go on. Be that for someone.