This is a topic that has weighed heavily on my heart for the last 10 years or so! I have never been able to find the words to describe how I feel but I feel like it cant go unspoken any longer.
Clearly society has ideas of what people should look like and what makes a family. It is in our faces daily. It can be harmful and disappointing when those looks are not achieved. The same can be said about church culture, specifically the LDS culture. In no way am I speaking ill of the gospel or any of its teachings. I love the gospel, and I love the church! However, I think church culture could use some serious tweaking!
I spoke with an old young women’s leader of mine about a month or so ago. She was one of my favorites while I was in young women’s and I think of her highly! While we stood around talking and laughing, she apologized for the way my sister and I were treated in young women’s. She said, “they expected you to fit in this mold of having a mom and dad, who were sealed forever. They kept trying to squeeze you to fit and would be angry when you wouldn’t.”
Notice she said wouldn’t.
Her words pierced my heart and then instantly a rush of anger and then happiness came over me. Finally! Someone had put into words how we felt our entire teenage years. We felt that we were being shoved to fit molds we never ever could fit in. It had nothing to do with not wanting to fit the mold, we actually could not. We were missing a few key ingredients to whatever those leaders were trying to bake!
I thanked this leader of mine for finally saying what I had waited to hear. I wasn’t aware at the time that what I was feeling was frustration from lack of understanding or compassion from my leaders. However, when she said that to me it was like a giant light bulb! I called my sister on the way home and told her about the conversation.
Now fast forward a few weeks to me in Mississippi. So, a week ago I flew to my favorite place on earth and stayed with one of my most favorite people! I adore her for many reasons, one being that our family dynamics are somewhat similar. She has two generations of children like my family does. Anyways, she asked how my family was and we started to talk about how church culture can be difficult for families who dont fit the mold. I shared how I felt the church failed my family because my parents had already been divorced when my dad died. She stood straight up and exclaimed how she felt exactly like that. “The culture of the church has created what I call, an undeserving widow and a deserving widow.” She too had already been divorced when her ex husband passed away, and she shared how she watched the church overlook her family.
Had my mom or my friend been married when their spouses died, I believe the church would have swooped in to aid and comfort us. But because we were outside of the mold, we were overlooked and weren’t given the same compassion as others had received.
I spoke with my younger sister tonight about how the ball was completely dropped in our youth by leaders. She told me that she honestly could not think of a single leader she had where she felt she was loved or heard. She shared how she knew she wasn’t the easiest to get along with but how if someone had just made true effort, things could have been so different.
On the same note..I did love and grew close to some of my leaders..however, she is absolutely right. Not a single one tried to understand or help. Instead, we were squished into a mold that was uncomfortable. A mold that we weren’t made to fit in this life.
You may argue that they didn’t understand and didn’t know what to do. I get that. I think that can be the case at first. Although, these callings last months to years and there were opportunities to fix the incorrect belief they had.
We laughed and cried tonight about the frustrations we experienced. How we were constantly being separated from one another in activities, Sunday lessons and girls camp. For the first time in my life I told my sister how she was my comfort person, and making me go somewhere she wasn’t scared me. She replied with, “we were all each other had and they kept ripping us apart.”
You may argue we were separated for our individual growth and blah blah blah. But I’d argue that we were two teenagers navigating trauma after trauma in our lives with absolutely no help or guidance. So being ripped apart was like never letting a wound heal.
The mold has got to go. It is hurtful, it excludes, and it can be permanently damaging. Here I am, 26 years old and a returned missionary and the teachings of eternal families still sends a pain into my heart. Why? Because I was taught how important they were and how we needed to have an eternal family because thats what God commanded. Yet, I didn’t have one. I couldn’t have one. Did anyone take the time to consider my situation? Did anyone reach out before or after a lesson to make sure I was okay?
Nope.
I was on a hike with a friend a few weeks ago and she shared with me how her daughter is up at BYU and having the time of her life! Her daughter called and shared that one of her roommates confided in her how she grew up an active member of the church but doesn’t know much of anything about the scriptures. This caught my friend and her daughter off guard. I’m paraphrasing here but they “just didn’t understand how that could happen!” I bit my tongue but I’m pretty sure the spirit was there because I just blurted out words.
An active member looks different on each person. A testimony looks different on each person. Just how size 12 jeans look different on each person, so can the gospel.
We are so quick to make up molds of what families, members of the church, happiness etc look like! When all it really does is set us up for failure, and sometimes, severely wound other people.
I am not perfect. As many of you know I work with children whom I just absolutely adore! They are all so very different, some live with their parents, others live with grandparents, and then there are my precious foster babies. I catch myself telling the kiddos they need to behave for when their moms and dads pick up. I have to remind myself that not all these kiddos have moms and dads. Thats a mold right there! It can sometimes take serious concentration and intention to change my words. I try to say they need to behave for when the people that love them pick up..
It’s small. I’m sure the kids don’t even hear me say it (though, do they ever hear me? haha) but to me, it proves I am trying to relate to my kiddos and show them “Hey. I see you. I hear you. I love you.”
16 year old Haylei was not seen, heard, or loved. Instead, she was squished and shoved and then reprimanded for not fitting the mold.
Lets get out with the mold, and in with the new! Seriously. The Lord did not say we needed to look or act a certain way to receive his love or blessings, so why do so many try to force that?
I see you. I hear you. I love you. I adore you.
The world according to me 