I’ve taken a break from social media and it has been awesome! I can’t say I’ve found better ways to fill my time, but eventually I will!
I saw a few times that September is suicide awareness month and felt compelled to share some thoughts.
As someone who has struggled with suicidal thoughts and feelings since I was 10, I’ve learned a few things that can help or hurt. People who struggle with suicidal thoughts are not weak, wimpy, or less than. We are not overreacting. I’ve been obsessed with learning about trauma and what it does to the brain. Traumatic events can cause a chemical imbalance in the brain. Did you know that? I didn’t! I guess I just assumed it was an imbalance you were born with. Maybe that was naive of me. The more traumatic events one has, the worse the imbalance can become. That’s crazy! And what is considered trauma to one person might not be to another, but that doesn’t lessen their reality.
After my dad died I went into shock and felt like I was stuck in a dream…or nightmare. It was my minds way of protecting myself, which ultimately did not help in the long run. I don’t remember much of my childhood after 10 because of this. Timelines are tricky, and happy moments are hard to remember. However, I do remember feeling lost, alone, and that I didn’t want to live anymore. These feelings appeared after the first anniversary of my dads death. I think my brain just snapped out of it, and I was left to feel all of the emotions. Emotions that no 10 year old should ever have to go through or experience. This then brought on feelings of not wanting to be alive.
I don’t know if I just shoved those feelings down or if Heavenly Father took them from me for awhile, because I didn’t struggle again until my 20’s. Like I said, traumatic events can shift the imbalances in our brains, and I think thats what happened. Struggle after struggle, whether it was a big one or a little one, just kept knocking me down. The thoughts returned, this time stronger and more often. Every hard moment was met with the thought, “this isn’t worth it. No one will miss you anyway.”
I wish I had some awesome story of not feeling that way anymore, but that is far from the truth. I struggle just about everyday with these thoughts and feelings. Sometimes it can be very dark and scary. I had an experience earlier this year where the spirit nudged me and told me to get out and do something, because it was BAD.
This might come as a shock to those reading this. Maybe not. I have tried to be more open with mental health problems and struggles, because it should be talked about. It’s better if it’s talked about.
These moments of darkness are indescribable. My heart knows that the thoughts and feelings are not always right or logical, but my mind is stuck and wont move. It’s frightening, unbearable, and painful.
Thoughts can easily turn into plans. I was always very adamant that I didn’t have a plan whenever counselors or friends would ask. But like I said, thoughts can easily turn into plans.
That was very ominous. I just want people to be aware of their friends, or themselves, who may struggle with suicidal tendencies.
The biggest piece of advice I can offer to those who don’t know how to help those they love… is to be there. It goes without saying that the worst thing you could do is ignore them. But it happens. It’s happened to me. It’s devastating, as I am being vulnerable in reaching out just to be met with crickets on the other side. BE THERE. Create a code word if you need one with this person, I have one and I am so grateful for it. It pulled me out of a dark place a few weeks ago. I sent the word and within seconds I got a phone call that helped ease my feelings of hopelessness and being unloved.
Check in with your people. Be there. Show love. Just like we see all over the media, it is often the happiest seeming people who hurt the most. Don’t be afraid to ask or check.
If you are struggling with these feelings and thoughts, you are not alone. You are not imperfect. You are not broken or messed up or unworthy of love. Do not let the feelings take you for too long. Create a code word with someone you trust and love. If you can’t think of anyone, I’ll be your person. Sometimes all it takes is just knowing someone out there loves you enough to answer the phone or respond. What I’ve learned is that it’s not always about what someone says to me, it’s just knowing someone is there. I will be there for you.
Life is hard. Chemical imbalances make it harder. Be kind.
Suicide Hotline Number
800-273-8255
Help through text (because sometimes I dont want to talk or cant cause…tears!)
https://www.crisistextline.org/
Seriously message me, I’ll be your person.
The world according to me 